Accessory? I Hardly Know Ory

Next to fire, accouterments are probably the most influential invention we’ve got. Because, yeah, fire’s nice and all, but wouldn’t you like a specially designed branch to carry around your fire on to really take the fire to that next level? Not only is the branch made of birch, which gives your fire optimum brightness, it comes complete with accent leaves on the end to make sure your other cavemates know that you‘re the fire guy. Fending off challenges to the rule of your cave by young upstarts has never been easier, or more fun!

Call them whatever you want–accessories, add-ons, accent pieces, frivolous luxuries– accoutrements are delightful and addictive, like a drug. Which is great, because there’s plenty of drug accessories to be had too! Want a bong that’s in the shape of former president Eisenhower? There are at least twelve websites that are ready to take your money in exchange for this. In the past, it had looked a little dicey for humankind because it almost looked like we were out of new ideas for unnecessary accessories and then–men’s sock garters. Lo! The economy is saved.

The key to accoutrement is to focus–pick too many areas to accessorize in and you’ll find that you and money don’t see each other very often. My personal accoutrement of choice is alcohol paraphernalia, which is just delightfully broad enough to be inexhaustible. Because when someone’s decreed that there’s a different size and shape of glass from which to drink every different type of liquor out of, you know you’ve hit a rich vein of accessory.

And if you combine two liquors, or maybe put some fruit juice in there or something–whoa, whoa, you need a different type of glass for that, buddy. You think we wouldn’t notice what you’re up to over there mixing all that stuff together? In fact, while you’re at it: what are you mixing all that stuff together in? A regular glass? Could it be a metal glass? Could that metal be copper sometimes? Could that copper be hand-hammered by Swedish artisans? Instead of stirring the concoction, could you put a top on the glass–sorry, metal–and shake it up for, like, way too long? Or listen, if you’re going to stir it, at least use a special stick that’s designed just for stirring cocktails. And stop putting that sugar in with a regular spoon! Get a spoon that’s super long, so long that it’s almost unwieldy. Now that’s a beverage.

There’s even glass containers you can put your alcohol in until you’re ready to put it in a different glass container; they’re called decanters, and they’re fantastic. But then, how are you going to remember which liquor you put in which decanter? Sounds like you need some custom placards to affix to your decanters to identify what’s in there. Because how else are you going to know that it’s not filled with strychnine? In fact, maybe you should just invest in a label maker so that you can label everything in your apartment that isn’t strychnine. And then you could get different colored labels, maybe with some cool patterns–just to keep things fresh.


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