Be Our Desk

I recently got a new job, a job which I am very happy to have. At my previous employer, I wasn’t really sold on staying, so I didn’t really decorate my desk all that much–in the same way that you don’t really decorate up a prison cell because you hope you’ll get out soon. The only decoration I had at my old cubicle was a Rita Hayworth poster to conceal an elaborate escape tunnel into the office’s sewage system.

But now I actually want to deck out my desk, so I’ve had to think of some ways to trick it out. In the absence of help from Xzibit, here’s what I came up with (and, fear not, have subsequently purchased with real, hard-earned American dollars. I don’t recommend something I wouldn’t decorate with myself).

  1. Seasonal Mouse Pads: You know how sometimes you think your mouse is scrolled over a link, but you’ve actually stopped two millimeters too short, so you aren’t actually clicking on the link (you’re just clicking on personal aggravation)? That’s actually your hand trying to tell you something. It’s trying to tell you that it’s confused. It’s Christmas Day (or so says the boy down on the street, sir), but your mouse pad is all palm trees and sandy beaches. How can you expect to close out Q4 correctly when your mouse pad thinks it’s America’s Birthday? Also, why are you working on Christmas Day? And why did you pester that small child on the street? He was probably going home to his family, like you should be. So that’s why I bought four mouse pads, each depicting a seasonally appropriate nature vignette.
  2. Motivational Poster: Sometimes I just don’t have the internal drive to thrive, need to succeed, yearn to burn, compulsion to emulsion. I need to get some encouragement from outside myself. But not too far outside myself. Most motivational posters are trite, annoying, and sometimes outright deceitful. Which is why I created my own. I took a picture of my face looking powerfully (and sensually) into the camera and Photoshopped the words “You are powerful and well-liked.” at the bottom of it. So whenever I need reassurance, I can look at myself, see myself looking back at me, and know that there’s at least one guy out there who gets it.
  3. Terrarium: If I don’t have something green and living at my desk, it’s very easy for me to imagine that the world has descended into a dystopian wasteland of urban decay, and then I start hoarding gasoline. Keeping a tiny ecosystem of moss and rocks at my desk is a small way of reminding myself that all my family and friends haven’t been killed in a nuclear apocalypse. Plus, it throws some extra oxygen my way, which I’m always in favor of.
  4. Big Ol’ Bottleuh Whiskey: I mean, make no mistake, I work in a cubicle so we’re not exactly talking Mad Men here. But whiskey is the only desk decoration I have that I can both display and drink. And I’m all about multitasking. Also, hearkening back to my post on accessorizing, having the whiskey at my desk gives me the endless opportunity to accessorize out with other whiskey-related desk decorations. I hope to eventually sport a decanter, several glasses, and a wingback chair on my desk.

Hopefully this has been an edutaining resource for your own office decoration endeavors. Please let me know if you’d like your very own “You Are Powerful and Well-Liked” Motivational poster, and I’ll make some copies and throw them out the window of my office.

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