I Like Bike, You Like Bike

I am a very good follower. If you’ve got a great idea, and you want to lead a group of people in that endeavor, I will follow the pants off that thing. I will ride your coattails so hard that they’ll rip off and I’ll have to stand on some giant’s shoulders instead. This is a very useful skill unless I ever make the mistake of trying to do something that not many other people are doing. Most people do not ride their bikes to work. The only person that rides their bike to work is “Office Bike Guy.” I have recently decided to become Office Bike Guy.

There are a lot of drawbacks to being Office Bike Guy. I arrive at work unconscionably sweaty. Any documents that need my perusal within the first fifteen minutes of getting to work will need to be thrown out because I cannot in good conscience hand something back to a coworker with the caveat, “sorry, it’s a little moist.” Moist is not a word allowed in the workplace. Moist is a word that is relegated to seedy adult retail stores and mold-prevention guidelines. And yet, when I, Office Bike Guy, arrive at work, I am a physical manifestation of moist.

Office Bike Guy also comes to work in clothes wholly inappropriate for the office. For my cycling commute, I wear an athletic shirt and shorts, so instead of looking like an employee, I look like a man who got lost after leaving the gym on his way to another gym. I’m also flashing an embarrassing amount of leg flesh. As the old adage goes: calves should be neither seen nor heard. I’m also carrying a helmet, for which my only explanation inside of a building is earthquakes or maybe adult bullying.

The sweat and attire are easily dealt with, though. The first is taken care of by some paper towels and a little electrolyte replenishment courtesy of (I’ll avoid a brand-name association since I’m not getting any money from them) Crocodile Help. I remedy the second via a change of clothes stored in the Messenger Bag that all Office Bike Guys are required to carry for some reason. But this is the worst part of all with Office Bike Guy: people have seen me in my physical exertion clothes; those same people have seen me in my business casual dress. These people know, without a doubt, that I was somewhere, at sometime nude in the office. Maybe it was in the restroom. These people desperately hope and pray that it was in the restroom. But even then, which restroom? And which stall in which restroom? And what if not in the restroom at all? If this Office Bike Guy has the audacity to thumb his nose at society’s acceptable modes of transportation to and from places of business, what else might he be capable of? Did he duck into a conference room in between meetings? Did he duck into a conference room during a meeting? Is he behind me right now? The naked specter of Office Bike Guy looms around every corner.

But look how elevated your heart rate is! You’ve basically gotten your cardio in for the day; you’ll definitely feel that workout in your core tomorrow. You’re welcome!

-Office Bike Guy