Pantless is a confusing term. Because if you’re wearing underpants, you aren’t technically without pants, are you? The equation for true pantslessness is

(legs + nether regions) − (overpants + underpants) = pantless

I not currently pantless. I am, however, currently overpantless. Why? You might ask. You might as well ask why I wish I could soar through the sky on the wings of eagles. Because it’s glorious, that’s why. It provides so much freedom to frolic about the apartment, to feel the soft cool breeze of the air conditioner on the calves, to be utterly free from the tubular fabric prisons of polite society.

It’s often my custom to divest myself of overpants as quickly as possible upon returning from the day’s wage earning. It’s almost like a small thank-you to my legs: “Your efforts in carrying me back and forth between my cubicle and the bathroom and occasionally the kitchen are much appreciated, old friends. Now, take your rest and be free.”

My wife doesn’t understand this intricate reward-based social ecosystem that I have established with my legs. She’s of the opinion that just because the windows are open and our neighbors are 50 feet away with windows at the exact same height as ours and they’re also standing there staring intently at my liberated lower half–that this means I should put on some overpants. I reply that you have to give the people what they want. Yea even, what they need. Who knows what sort of violence and chaos could ensue if people are denied a glimpse of my gams? I’d prefer not to find out.

The one exception I’ll make is when we have company because the company of other humans is generally considered to be effective in warding off insanity. Which I’m fairly interested in doing. And of course, I wear over-pants at all times when not in my apartment since I enjoy not being arrested. It’s not that I’m anti-overpants–I love a good-looking fashionable pant or two. But there’s just something about the feeling of an exposed ankle, the gentle rustle of leg hair in the breeze, that reminds me that life ain’t so bad.


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