The Old Country: Folks

Ah, the people we met in Ireland. And let me say that anything I write here is certainly meant to reflect just the people we met. It’s definitely not useful as any sort of portrait of Irish people as a whole (since we spent 100% of our time in the northern part of the Republic and 0% of the time in not the northern part) or even of the particular parts we visited. We stopped at a pub in which someone, we never quite discovered who (but we did verify after multiple trips to the bathroom to meticulously scour our shoes that it wasn’t us), smelled powerfully of the poop of sheep. This certainly does not mean that everyone in that region or even that town exuded the odor of sheep leavings; it means only that one guy from that region and town decided that hanging out with all these sheep has made me very hungry and I need to satiate this hunger very soon and very publicly.

On the whole, everyone we met was incredibly congenial. They were not at all pretentious, but were noticeably closed off. Their collective attitude seemed to be, “Of course you’re very welcome and we’re glad to have you here. But why are you here?”

There was the pub owner in Knockabbey who was very friendly but also very suspicious when Jen asked for her cheese omelet to also include vegetables in it. This was not a request that she was familiar with, nor do I think she much approved of it culinarily. But she was very glad to hear that Jen enjoyed it. There was also a barman in Sligo who very happily took our food orders; he then asked what we’d like to drink, and I thought I’d try to engage in some friendly conversation and asked what he’d recommend–what he does he like to drink? And the sheepishness that came over his face. He hung his head and sort of hemmed and hawed like the prettiest girl in the class had just asked him on a date to the soda fountain for a chocolate malted. He finally compromised by recommending a beer with the rationale “people seem to like it.” No chocolate malted fan, he.

Probably the best friends we made on the trip were radio personalities. We spent our long drives listening to the dulcet tones of “Down to Business” with Bobby Kerr, wherein he traveled to businesses and interviewed the proprietors (and for some reason used the theme from the “Bourne Identity” as his intro and outtro music). When we heard that Bourne tune, we knew it was time to hear Bobby ask the hard hitting questions–like asking a donut baker, “does it have to have a hole in it to be considered a donut?” (The answer, in Ireland as in America, is no.) We also (me more than Jen) enjoyed the daily comedy stylings of Dermot and Dave and their recurring “Wacky Gardener” character. Though we never met them, they were all our stalwart friends and will definitely be invited to our birthdays and anniversaries and christenings and funerals.

Returning to the people we actually met, though, the moment we thought we had them pegged, they’d surprise us. During an excellent tour of Dublin Castle, the tour guide subtly and offhandedly tossed in a brilliant joke about statue masturbation. Also a pleasant surprise: after six days of being utterly unable to make an Irish person laugh, I finally cracked up a gift shop cashier after suggesting that Jen had an inordinate love of tea towels. And the crown jewel of Ireland’s surprises for us was a bouncer in Carrick-on-Shannon. He informed us that while we sounded incredibly American, we didn’t look American because we were “wearin’ fookin’ noice boots and ya don’t have a fookin’ fanny pack on or a fookin’ cell phone strapped to your belt.” There is a very low bar for Americans abroad. And yet, many still fail to meet it. Let us think on our sins.

To be honest, the good humor of the Irish people we met was remarkable given the heartbreaking tenor of much of Ireland’s history. At monument after monument, we read about famine, strife, and eviction of the poor by the English rich. One aristocratic Irish family at Strokestown gained their wealth by backing the British invasion of Ireland and then backing another group of British people who weren’t huge fans of the first group of Brits. This family had a horn that they would blow whenever they were leaving their manor to let the townspeople know to get back in their houses so they wouldn’t clog up the road or look at the aristocrat family’s cool carriage. In the face of so much pain, which when you look at the dates didn’t happen all that long ago (Ireland didn’t even gain its independence until after World War II), the joy and jocularity of Irish people is pretty incredible.

The final thing we found about the people we met in Ireland isn’t even about Ireland at all. When we were out to dinner in Donegal, we overheard a couple a few tables over saying, “when I was back home visiting my family in Ohio…” and I realized that Ohio truly is inescapable. It will follow you across the Atlantic, ye even to the ends of the earth.

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I’ll Figure Out a Title Later

It was either Confucius or John Mulaney who said, “It’s so much easier not to do things than to do them, that you would do anything is totally remarkable.” I heard this as I sat in bed this morning desperately staving off getting ready for work. I actually worked really hard; I thought up so many things to do instead of getting out of bed. And so many reasons why these things were more important than getting out of bed. The only reason I did end up getting out of bed was because my wife spilled a cup of coffee onto the floor and I wanted to help her clean it up. But there was a split second where I thought, “she’s a liberated independent woman, she doesn’t need me to help her. I should probably just stay in bed.”

There have been hundreds, probably thousands, of things written on the causes of procrastination. Even the title I was considering for this post “Procrastination: A Love Story” already has an entire page of Google search results devoted to it. So, for an in-depth analysis of why people procrastinate, you can go read something by, y’know, an actual medical professional. Suffice it to say that the reason I procrastinate is that I figure that the thing that I’m avoiding doing, I probably won’t do very well. I leave it to a Future Kevin to accomplish this task, because Future Kevin will be much wiser, much more capable than this current Kevin. I have a lot of faith in Future Kevin, so procrastination is my way of hail-Mary-passing my important tasks to him. You got this, future big guy.

In fact, the reason that this post isn’t a continuation of me writing about my trip to Ireland is that I figured Future Kevin would have more time to think of something more clever and insightful to write about on that subject.

So instead, let me provide to you some of my favorite methods of procrastination. That way, if you recognize any of them and think “but wait, that’s an incredibly valuable way I use my time,” you may discover that you’ve been procrastinating and without even realizing it.

  1. Reading news articles on my phone. This one is THE BEST. Because I can convince myself that I’m actually just keeping myself informed; I’m ensuring that I remain an intelligent person who’s equipped to discuss and act upon the issues of the day. The procrastination part of this is the timing of thinking that I need to read about the impeachment of the South Korean prime minister at the exact moment and only at the exact moment that I should probably be emptying the litter box instead.
  2. Staying in bed and being awake. This one’s awesome because it works at night or in the morning. At night, I can justify lying in bed and reading or checking my phone because I’m winding down, can’t I have just a few moments (read: 50 minutes) of peace and diversion before I go to bed?” Instead of just going to bed and actually getting some rest. Or in the morning–I can’t just jump out of bed! I didn’t sleep well last night, so I just need five minutes (read: 45 minutes) of becoming one with the day before I get pummeled with an ocean of responsibilities and obligations!
  3. [Insert menial task here]-ing. This one’s beautiful because I can use it to dodge a more important task by doing a less important one. No, Jen, I can’t talk to you about when we plan on having kids because I need to pay our credit card bills! Do you want us to go into credit card debt? I didn’t think so. This one is also nice because you can chain it with reading news articles on your phone so that you can start off paying the credit card bills, but end up reading about the Keystone Pipeline. You want me to pay the credit card bill, Jen? You don’t care about the environment and don’t want us to be informed about the ways our government is avoiding meaningfully exploring alternative energy sources? Wow. I thought I knew you, but, just, wow.

Hopefully none of these sounded familiar, but if they did, you probably stopped reading already and switched over to reading an article about how a popular TV show perpetuates cultural stereotypes. Godspeed.